I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
