My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
