i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
