So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
