Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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