i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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