Im at strip club and am horny
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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