You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
