you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
