I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
