Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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