dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
