I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize