i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
