So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
