he puts the penis in happiness.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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