Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
