Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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