i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
