I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
