The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there was a trapeze. enough said
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize