My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
