Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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