I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I smell stomach acid.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
