he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
