non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
we're so committed to being not committed
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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