Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
