I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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