I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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