You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
