We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
