dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
