it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
