Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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