fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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