Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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