Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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