I got chris browned last night
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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