No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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