Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
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