im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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