You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
