my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
