I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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