Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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