So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize