can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
