Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
