I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
