I just threw up on my dentist
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize