Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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