I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
