i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
