all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
