Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
