I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
