I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
