I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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