you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Pooping to opera.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
