exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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