Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
